This is Punishment.

I’m being punished. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I needed some kind of reasoning or logic behind why I was now one of the thousands of women dealing with fertility issues. I was not able to just say ok, and move on. What is the rationale behind my new found medical issue? Perhaps, this is some kind of hard life lesson. Something that makes you appreciate all you have and be grateful and all. Maybe this is for all of the years of joking that I would never get pregnant. Literally. Joking. Saying to my friends, wow it hasn't happened yet. I'll probably be the one who never does. Not so funny years later. Hindsight is a mother.

Maybe it's for all of the times that I prayed not to be pregnant. I mean prayed to everything that is Holy in this world. Told Jesus right then and there that I would never do something foolish again ever (and by ever I meant until the next time it happened) if he could just bring that cycle here in the next 24 to 48 hours. You know those desperate prayers, don't give me that look and leave me here alone. This is a no judgement zone. The ones that are like new year resolutions, they never last long. Maybe you have prayed this desperate prayer for another reason or two, but we have all been there.

Also included in that prayer was the gift of Plan B (which sometimes felt like Plan C, D, or E). Plan B is the saving grace that many walk of shames are made of. Maybe I should have just stuck to Plan A which was to either skip the activity or be safe. Not that hard! I mean I have been preached safe sex my whole life. Been brainwashed by the media, teen movies, and shows like 16 & Pregnant to literally not be in this boat. I don't know why we thought that once we got to college that it would be easier to be smarter, I mean after all we are "grown" now. More mature, making better decisions.. right? Wrong. I personally was smarter in High School. Guess it's because I didn't have as many options to screw someone and screw up. But in College, the gates of freedom opened in more ways than one and here I am with all of the knowledge, love, and support that a kid can have and I am risking it all for the sake of fun for the moment, fun for the night. For living life on the sexual edge, being reckless or "young and dumb" as we liked to call it. YOLO right? Thanks Drake. We were being irresponsible and calling it fun. Taking for granted sexual health. I am being punished. That's it. That's my rationale.

I have often thought about a time machine. What would I change if I had the chance? But honestly, I would not be here, talking to you with all of these stories if my journey was changed. Also, after seeing movies like the Butterfly Effect, something as small as what I ate for lunch one day going back in time could really screw me over in the end. #noregrets I guess.

Maybe I am also being punished for being a so/so step mother, emotionally. I never thought I would be in this role, but I also accepted two children when I got into this relationship. Any regrets? No. But do I suddenly feel anger? Some resentment? More why me? Yes. I mean, how is it that my fiance' easily had children with women that he never intended to be with. Yet here I am, the woman he actually is choosing to spend this thing called life with, and I am unable to get pregnant. And that is why fertility ain't always fair. Simple as that.

While I know this is true, I also have to allow myself to feel these feelings, deal with them, and move forward with them. I have spent many days in mental turmoil. Eating anxiety for breakfast with a side of depression for lunch. I had to finally give myself permission to embrace these negative thoughts, but not to become them. So here we are. You are now on this journey with me. Maybe you are walking in my current footsteps, or have already walked in my shoes. Or maybe you were just curious. Found this by accident with a quick google search. However you got here, I'm glad you're here.

Until next chat, stay strong Fertility Warriors!