Why Me?

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the... WTF?

I can hear this age old chant in my head, over and over again. On the playground, at a park, in my front yard. It's actually called the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song, well according to my Google search of the lyrics. Which I also didn't know had an extra line past the baby in the baby carriage. Who knew? But in this fun, innocent song, everything about the next maybe 20 years of our lives seems so simple. Kiss a boy, get married, have kids, happily ever after. It's all so simple. But then you get to that point in real years and it can get so complicated. And sometimes I wish I could just sing that song again, eyes full of optimism and innocent fun, and have the same sense of confidence that all things will come true just like this playground song says. In order to move forward, I think I need to go back. We need to get to know each other a bit. So, here goes!

I grew up with such a traditional "girly" affinity to dolls and barbies. They were my life. I fell right into the girl cliche of a room full of barbies, doll babies, and collectibles of all sizes, shapes, and colors. And before you condemn me for being all anti-feminist or biting my head off for using the word traditional and girl in the same breath. I have nothing against little girls who play with trucks and cars, and yes I believe girls can be and wear anything they want. And pink is not reserved for just the girls, even on Wednesdays. #whorunstheworld #girls insert any other female empowerment hashtag you'd like. But for the context of my story and my upbringing, because this is my life story, I am using a traditional approach to being a young girl. Ok, back to my story.

These dolls were my babies. I dressed them, fed them, cared for them when they were sick, drove them around to their "activities", and put them to sleep at night. I was the ultimate doll mom. These were the golden years of childhood, when the hardest thing I had to worry about in a day was what snack would I have after school. And that was a very important part of my day. Thinking back, a lot of times I loved playing alone as a kid. Not that I was without friends, or alone in any way. I just enjoyed having full control over my activities. I could play with whatever dolls I wanted, dress them however I wanted, and play for as long as I wanted with my own narrative. I was and still am I slight control freak. Judge yourself! I made a whole world by myself, me and my dolls. The love for my doll babies went directly into my love to actual babies and kids. This comes from my mom. Heyyy Mom! We are baby people. We love on them, have the patience to deal with them, and will do just about anything for them. I had a knack for kids. When my peers were working as lifeguards or in retail for the summer, I was working in the kids zone at our local gym. I was baby sitting, or working at the local library for the kids summer reading program. When I got to high school, I worked two summers as a summer school teacher's aid. I love to be around little people. Past Elementary is a bit of a transition, my sweet spot is under the age of 5. I was also a baby whisperer, specialty at putting kids to sleep! Without the use of any medical aides.

I say all that to say, that being a mother has been part of my DNA from birth. Some people know and some people don't. I knew.

I was raised in a home that promoted college, marriage, then a family. Essentially, avoid pregnancy once you start your period. Let's just take a moment of silence for the day we all become "women." That magically terrifying day that no amount of talks with your mom, older sister, or teen movies can actually prepare you for. I can remember in maybe late Elementary school or early Middle where they had professionals comes in to speak to us about our "changing bodies." They split up the boys and the girls for the talk and we all came back either traumatized or laughing in pure immaturity. I think I was in a combination of both. And of course I had questions, we probably all did. But who asks questions in those kind of settings out loud? Nobody. The first day Aunt Flo came to visit your girl I had just got home from the pool. Of all places! Thank Jesus I did not have to part my red sea at the actual pool that day. That may have scarred me for life. I remember how I felt different. I felt like I had a secret, a grown woman secret at the age of like 12. I honestly don't remember how old I was exactly but of course I was nowhere near grown. I also felt unclean and unclear. Like why and how are we able to bleed out for days at a time, each month, the rest of my adult life??? And what would I do in school? How would I conceal my "feminine products." I just wanted to crawl in my bed and wake up from this weird dream cycle. Also, I vowed to never like the name "Eve" ever again. Thanks girl, you really got us women good with this one.

So here I am growing up, avoiding pregnancy like the plague. Graduate from high school (with no kids), graduate from college (with no kids), start my career (with no kids), find my husband (with no kids), get married (have as many babies as you want). Ok, so here I am in my late 20's, looking towards the future with my future husband, and why in the hell am I not knocked up? I mean let's be honest, almost all of my friends had been pregnant at least 1 time in our lives. Shit happens, especially in college. But not me! For years I thought, I must be lucky as hell, right? Maybe I've been that careful (not really), or maybe I just missed the ovulation boat every time. Who knows, cheers to not being pregnant and living! Fast forward to adulting and actually wanting kids.

I got off birth control in September of 2017. That was the first major step. I thought to myself, I just know I'll be preggers by Christmas, maybe New Years. I already planned catchy hashtags, and the perfect IG post to announce during the holidays. We will host the holidays again, and announce to family over dinner. It will be the most perfect holiday or top of the year news ever. Yup, it's planned out. I mean, I did all the right things. Graduated, got a great career started, found my guy, got engaged.. check!

Happy 2018... no baby yet. Ok, no worries. Let's keep trying... because my OBGYN and several Google searches say you try for a full year. Ok, 2018 is our year. We are going to be planning a wedding, buying a home, making career moves, and a baby will just be the icing on the perfectly decorated cake. I can drop this baby in our new home and then snatch myself back in shape for our 2019 wedding. We got this. Pintrest boards ready to roll.

Then it was, try this app, use this test kit, plan every fuck possible, don't overthink it, but track every day, take notes, check ovulation, try this position. All leading to, why is my period here?

Sidenote, why are PMS and early pregnancy symptoms so similar? It's like one of the cruelest female jokes in the universe. I will blame your girl Eve until I have another answer.

More Google searching, more stress, more anxiety.. oh shit, it's almost my 30th birthday. "Your biological clock is ticking." Panic attacks, ER visits, medications, more doctor appointments, specialists, heart palpitations, WTF is my body doing? I physically can't even support another human right now. I can barely support myself right now. Not in the financial sense, but in the mental and physical sense.

But we keep trying... and every single time my go to the bathroom and see that red streak, I cry a bit inside. And sometimes on the outside. And ask, why is this NOT happening to me?

And this was the first major step in my fertility journey. I had to first ask the question, Why Me? I had to stop denying what was going on, stop pretending that I felt ok about this, come to terms with my concerns physically, emotionally, and mentally and find the path to deal with them. It's ok to ask yourself why me. Do it. And when you do, be free to cry, get angry, be sad, scream it's not fair. Because in life, fertility ain't fair, but faith. Faith will get you through.

Until next chat, stay strong Fertility Warriors!